I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
