Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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