You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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