Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
