You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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