i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
