We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
