My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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