4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
