Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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