I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
