My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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