Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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