i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My cat gives me a boner
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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