you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
