I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
