Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
