The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
