I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
