My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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