apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
