So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
