i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
