I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize