so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Randomize
