when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize