I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
