God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize