apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize