plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Watching her eat just hurts me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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