just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think i have two assholes
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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