i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
