The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
