Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
