we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
