I cannot find my penis.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
