I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
