I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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