I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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