i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
