i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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