i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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