I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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