Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
