He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
