so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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