apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
