She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
