How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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