Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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