If i come over, it means nothing
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
