Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Be still, my beating vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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