Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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