I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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