Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
