Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
