Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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