In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
