She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
